Hope you like my little collection - been going a while now. If you have any to add - please email me - but please check that I don't have them first. Thanks.
THESE ARE NOT FOR KIDS
if you are under 16 please leave now... sorry.
Guitarist Jokes-1-- How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to change the lightbulb, the other to say, "I can do that."
-2-- The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in a car wreck and all three die. They are standing in front of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes up and says, ''Oh, Hi guys! We've been expecting you. Your really going to love it here, this is a great place and did you know that we even have our own band? We have Elvis Presley singing, Hendrix is playing guitar, Sinatra is on piano and Roger Waters, your old bandmate, is writing lyrics for us!'' David Gilmour replies, ''Roger is here? When did he die?'' St. Peter leans over and whispers in his ear. ''It's really God, but he thinks he's Roger Waters!''
-3-- How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
-4-- How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
Place a sheet of music in front of him.
-5-- What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Jokes about Musicians
-1-- What do you call a musician with a college degree?
Night manager at McDonalds
-2-- What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by trombone solos.
-3-- What's the definition of a minor second interval?
Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
-4-- What is another term for trombone?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
-5-- How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
-6-- What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
-7-- What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
-8-- Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
-9-- What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
-10-- Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
-11-- How does a violist's brain cell die?
-12-- How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
-13-- What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?
You can tune a chain saw
-14-- What will you never say about a banjo player?
"That's the banjo player's Porsche."
-15-- What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
-16-- Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
-17-- How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
-18-- What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
-19-- How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
-20-- What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
"Music Minus One"
-21-- What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
-22-- Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-23-- How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
-24-- Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so."
-25-- What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
-26-- Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
-27-- Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
-28-- How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
-29-- Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
-30-- Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
-31-- Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
--- Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
-32-- What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A good start.
-33-- Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
-34-- What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
-35-- How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
-36-- How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
Hand them charts a half-step apart.
-37-- What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
-38-- What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
-39-- How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
-40--Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
-41-- What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
-42-- What do all great conductors have in common?
They're all dead
-43-- What's the definition of optimism?
A bass trombonist with a beeper.
-44-- What do you do if you run over a bass player?
-45-- How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
-46-- What do you throw a drowning bass player?
-47-- How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
Shoot two of them.
-48-- What's the difference between a bull and a band?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
-49-- Perfect pitch: When you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.
Other Jokes I Really Like
-1--Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
-1--To get this joke, you probably have to know about the legendary unpopularity of Buddy Rich amongst his band... A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumor that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minutes later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."
-2--One day a drummer sick of all of the "stupid drummer" jokes decided to change instruments. So he went to the local music store and said that he wanted to learn a new instrument. The store owner cheerfully replied OK and asked what he would be interested in playing. After looking around the shop he said I'll try those things over there, pointing to the accordion section. After looking through the accordions from over an hour the shop keeper said, "Have you found what you looking for?" The drummer replied, "Yes, I'll take that big red one over there." The store keeper smiled and and stared laughing. When the drummer asked why he was laughing the store keeper replied, "Are you a drummer, son?" "Yeah!" replied the drummer. "Well that big red thing is a radiator"
-3--A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgeon and told him of his problem. The surgeon said, " I only have three brains left." The man said, " Well what's the cheapest?" The surgeon said, " I have a doctor's brain for cheap." The man said," We'll that's great, what else do you have?" The surgeon said, " I also have the brain of a rocket scientist, but that's just a little more pricey." The man replied, " Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must be really smart." The surgeon said, " The most expensive one I have, is a drummer's brain." The man said, " Why is a drummer's brain so expensive?" The surgeon replied, " We'll because it's never been used before."
-4--What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
-5--Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
-6--How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
-7--What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
-8--How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
-9--Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!
-10--We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
-11--Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
-12-- What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
-13--A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
-14--Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
-15--How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
-16--How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
-17--If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-18--I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"... He said, "the river or the state?"
-19--How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.
-20--How do guitar players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.
-21--How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and the other four to stand around and talk about how much better Virgil Donati would have done it!
-22--Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it.
-23--What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!!
-24--Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?
No. Neither did I.
-25--What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.
-26--How do you know there's a drummer at the door?
Because he doesn't know when to enter.
-27--A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was your IQ number. He went to door 160, and found the people there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door 120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He found the people in there talking about last night's Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He found the people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3. He opened the door and heard one of the people say, "My sticks were Zildjian, what were yours?"
-28--Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade.
-29--What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend!
-30--How many drummers does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, if you slice them thin enough!
-31--How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one; he holds it and the world revolves around him.
-32--What does Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
-33--Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
-34--What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend?
-35--What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
The poster child for Birth Control.
-36--What do you call a bunch of kids with drums?
-37--How do you call a drummer?
You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.
38---What should you call a drummer?
It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.
-39--How do you confuse a drummer?
Give him a piece of sheet music.
-40--What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
-41--What's the best protection the Secret Service could have against a Presidential assassination?
Make a drummer the Vice-president.
-42--What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A dope ring.
-43--Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're terrible at the rhythm method.
-44--What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
-45--What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.
-46--How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.
-47--Did you ever hear about the drummer who finished high school?
No. A. Me neither!
-48--How can you get a drummer off your porch?
pay for the pizza!
-49--So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo- The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Uh, yeah. You did you know?" "This is a travel agency."
-50--How do you know when a drummers outside your door?
The knock gets faster.
-51--A drummer dies and goes to heaven. Outside the Pearly gates he's talking to St. Peter about the band. "Who" asks the drummer "do you have playing here?". "Everybody" says St. Peter, "We've got Billie Holliday, Ella and Bessie Smith sharing vocals, Duke Ellington and Count Basie on piano, the saxes you just wouldn't believe'" "So," asks the drummer, "who leads the band?" St. Peter waits just a second before answering and replies, "Well, it's God of course, but occasionally he thinks He's John Dankworth".
-52--Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the shit on the road.
-53--How can you make a drummer slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
-54--How can you make that drummer stop?
Put notes on it!
-55--What is the difference between a drum line playing together and shoes in a dryer?
-56--How do you get an elephant out of a 40 foot hole?
Lower a drummer into the hole and gross him out.
-57--How do you get a drummer to leave your house?
Pay for the pizza!
-58--How many drummers can you fit in a phone booth?
None, "There's not enough room in there man!!"
-59--What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
-60--"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
-61--Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
-62--What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagen?
-64--What does a drummer use for contraception?
-65--Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
-66--If you're in a Ginger bashing mood, here's another Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
-67--A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveler is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."
-68--How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
-69--What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
-70--Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired
-71--If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money? The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
-72--What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
-73--There is a bar with a bunch of drummers in it and they are all yelling "51 days, 51 days!" and more and more keep coming in, they are all ordering drinks and yelling "51 days! 51 days!" the bartender has a puzzled look on his face as more and more come into the bar and order more and more drinks and chant and chant. finally, the bartender asks one of the drummers why they are all celebrating and chanting "51 days! 51 days!" the drummer answers with, "well, we all just finished a puzzle in 51 days and the box said 2 to 4 years!"
-74-- What do a drummer and a mosquito have in common?
They both suck!!!
-75--"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer." His mother scoffs and replies... "Well, you can't do both."
-76--What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
-77--What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
-78--Why do some people have an instant aversion to drummers?
It saves time in the long run.
-79--What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummers arm?
-80--What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
Stop laughing and shoot again.
-81--What has 3 legs and a c**t on top?
A Drum Stool
-82--A drummer goes in for a haircut but refuses to take off his walkman. The hairdress does as best he can and then asks again if the headphones could come off again, just for a moment so he can finish the job, but the drummer refuses and says that it might kill him to take them off. The hairdresser can't sit and look at this dodgy haircut so he just rips them off and finishes the job. After about 30 seconds the drummer just collapses in his seat and is dead. The hairdresser can't resist listening to this life giving music, so puts on the headphones and hears "Breath in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out......."